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Tuesday, July 5, 2016

And then they wonder...

     I always get asked, "Why don't you talk to me?"  Well, to be quite blunt, I don't talk because I get tired of talking to myself.  Or being judged when I do finally speak up about what is really going on inside.  You want me to talk to you, but when I finally let you in enough and do, you tell me I'm just finding excuses to be lazy, or worse, you blow me off completely as if I haven't said a word.  So I just stop fighting the current.  It's not like I quit at life or anything, but I stop sharing my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions.  Why should I continue to share them if no one really means it when they say they want me to talk to them anyway?  Could it all be in my head? Likely not exclusively, although I'm sure I'm also hypersensitive to being blown off after all of these years of this cyclical pattern that goes on and on and on and ON.  
     It is no secret that my opinion of myself is likely lower than ANYONE else's opinion of me will ever be.  That is a given when you are talking about someone that struggles with such issues of self-esteem the way I do, but please don't misinterpret that for trying to seek attention or trying to throw a pity party for myself.  It is quite the opposite.  Unfortunately, it is simply that I do in fact have an opinion of myself that is just that LOW.
     I don't like being the center of attention.  I hate when things happen to me that cause people to look my way.  That being said, it is no big surprise that my body becomes wracked with anxiety at just the thought of going anywhere alone with my many children and service animal.  Circus side show waiting to happen!  It is usually better when there is another adult with me.  Why, you ask? Not a damn clue, but it usually is.  Unless, of course, they themselves are causing a bigger scene than we would make all on our own.  
     I won't fight for your attention.  I won't try to make you see that I have value.  I will do my absolute best to blend in to the woodworking and melt into the wall. Why don't I talk to you?  Because you aren't safe.  Why don't I talk to you? Because you are so quick to judge that you don't ever really understand my struggles and where I might be coming from.  Why don't I talk to you? Because you aren't listening...hearing what I say isn't have to be willing to LISTEN...and maybe bring some wine to loosen my tongue.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Book Review: Creatura

Book Review
Purchase this book here! Creatura (The Creatura Series Book 1)

This was our book club pick for the month of May.  I struggled with this read a little bit because I felt I was being told a story rather than being shown a story so it made it difficult for me to escape into it.  I felt like there were times when the plot dragged enough to lose my attention if I didn't really devote the time to plug into it; then other parts of it were very action packed and I was kept turning pages.  I felt like there either needed to be more consistent action and suspense throughout the whole book, or the action and suspense that did exist needed to be more balanced throughout the book.  The one thing about this book that really bothered me though was how throughout the majority it is told in the first person from the perspective of Isis but then about halfway through the book and then again at the end it suddenly switches perspectives and is then being told in the first person through the eyes of someone else.  Those parts felt like a very choppy transition.  I think that could have been written in a different manner in order to still show those perspectives without it affecting the flow of the storyline.  I will say, however, that it left quite a cliffhanger right at the end that for whatever reason I was not anticipating.  It left me almost wanting to pick up the next book in the series.  Almost, but not quite.  I gave this read 2/5 stars.

Book Review: The Shadow of the Wind

Book Review

I found this book on the shelves of the local thrift store and picked it up because the concept intrigued me.  I was sucked in from the first sentence.  A Cemetery of Forgotten Books?!  I was completely fascinated with the idea that books are tucked away, hidden and all but forgotten about by society as a whole.  It became an obsession to learn about this mysterious author included with the added suspense of doing so while someone was simultaneously attempting to destroy every copy of this author's books had me turning pages faster and faster in order to find out what was going to happen next and who this author was!  While I have never been to Barcelona myself, and have never before considered it a location of interest, I have since added it to my travel bucket list; if for no other reason than to complete the walking tour of Barcelona that is included at the back of the book.  This was a wonderful read!  I hope to one day read more from this author!  I gave this book 4/5 stars. 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Book Review: A Girl's Guide To Moving On

Book Review
Purchase this book here! A Girl's Guide to Moving On

This is the second book in what I believe to be a trilogy by Debbie Macomber.  I have read several books from this author in the past and have always enjoyed her work.  I found that even though this was the second book, I hadn't lost much of the story by not having read the first book other than possibly some backstory from a different minor character in this book.  In A Girl's Guide to Moving On, a mother and her daughter-in-law both divorce their husbands because they have discovered that they were being cheated on.  In order to help themselves heal, these women created a guide to moving on with different rules to follow such as making new friends, and getting involved in something in order to give back to the community.  I found this to be a fun, easy read that had a few good tips for how to move on from any lost relationship be it romantic, familial, or friendship.  I did however find myself confused multiple times due to the fact that the book was written in first person but from alternating viewpoints.  Several times I had to check back to the beginning of the chapter to remember who's head I was in.  I think this could have been presented in a better way in order to present less confusion on behalf of the reader.  All in all, I felt it was a decent read and would recommend this book to others that enjoy reading this genre.  I gave this book 3/5 stars.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Book Review: Mastered

Book Review
Purchase this book here! Mastered (The Enforcers series)

Mastered is the first book in a new series written by Maya Banks.  This book is certainly not for the light of heart.  There is plenty of adult language as well as some extremely adult scenes and concepts.  However, that being said, I found myself drawn in from the start by Evangeline; we have a lot in common.  She is a hard working woman who sacrifices much of her own desires for the needs of her family.  I can certainly relate to that feeling.  In this book, the author flirts with that line of being not realistic enough but then again, it is called fiction for a reason, so who am I to judge?  And what hard working woman wouldn't fantasize of being swept off her feet and adored by a guy with so much money he could likely use it for toilet paper if he wanted to?!  

I also found myself relating to Evangeline in the sense that she struggles with her lack of self confidence and that is something I've struggled with for much of my life.  I enjoyed seeing through her eyes and how she worked through it with the additional doting attentions of a man with a good heart.  A pleasant read that didn't require too much intense thinking and could be easily read in the evenings with a nice glass of wine to melt away the day.  This book is not life changing by far, but was certainly the first in a series I intend to continue.  The end left me literally stomping my feet and pissed as hell that the next book doesn't get released until mid-May!  Are you kidding me?! You can't leave me with a cliffhanger like that! What happens?!?!  Guess none of us will ever know....yet.  This is definitely a series to just have all books in the series on hand for ease of just grabbing the next one! I gave this book 4/5 stars.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Book Review: The Someday Jar

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! The Someday Jar

I found this to be an easy read that had me laughing out loud, sharing quotes with friends, rooting for the good guy, hating the Ass-hat, wiping some tears, and laughing some more.  This book also came with an inspiring life message that has me wanting to go find the nearest craft store and making my own Someday Jar as well as one for each of my kiddos.  Was it a little predictable? Yes, maybe.  However, sometimes you just need a feel good book that leaves you wanting to go after your own dreams in life.  I highly recommend this read.  Go get yourself a copy and then make yourself a Someday Jar of your own!  You likely won't regret it! I gave this book 5/5 stars

Book Review: Slip of the Tongue

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Slip of the Tongue

This was the first book I have read by Jessica Hawkins and I must say I was very impressed with her writing ability!  I was hooked pretty quickly and the emotional intensity of the book kept me turning the pages even if the storyline was a little predictable.  I spent much of the book empathizing with Sadie, even if she did come across as a bit entitled, and despising Nathan.  It wasn't until after I finished the book and had conversed with another friend of mine that had read the book recently that I discovered that part of the reason I reacted so strongly to Nathan had less to do with his bad behavior and more to do with the fact that I am experiencing many of the same life events he is and didn't want to acknowledge the similarities in my own life and marriage.  I gave this book 4/5 stars.  I will certainly be watching for future works by Jessica Hawkins!

Yet Another Attempt To Reactivate My Blogging Efforts

It has been over a year since my last post.  In the mean time, I have been busy with the funny farm that is my life with 2 horses, 3 adults, 4 children(including a set of toddler twins), and 5 dogs.  I am also working full time on my doctorate degree in Education.  In addition to that, the last several months have not been kind being that several life events have taken place that have added additional strain on my family that include but are not limited to the sudden unexpected death of an immediate family member, another close family member being moved to hospice as he reaches the end of his life span, and multiple confrontations with mental illness both for myself as well as others around me rearing their ugly heads.  So here we go.  I am taking another stab at blogging.  Thanks to help from my friend over at The Bohemian Housewife I am involved with a new online book club where part of the process is not just reading books to discuss but also reviewing them on our blogs.  Most of the book club members are active authors and bloggers, and then there is me.  Who has a blog and attempts to use it periodically for multiple different avenues.  Maybe someday I will get the hang of this.  Or maybe not.  Who knows? Guess we will see!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Book Review: The Kuthun

Book Review

Purchase this book here! The Kuthun: A Cole Witches Novel

The Kuthun is a book written by S.A. Carter about sixteen year old Elena Cole and her adventures to break a generations long curse that has been placed on the women in her family all the way back to the time of the Ancient Egyptians.  I found this coming of age story to be a decent read.  It was a little difficult to get into at first but once the story line picked up a bit I found myself pulled into Elena's adventure to break her family's curse.  The sarcastic wit that Carter weaved into the story helped pull the story along and kept me reading in a few spots towards the beginning and I found Elena's spunky best friend Phoebe to be quite a riot.  In the end, I gave this book a rating of 3/5 stars.   

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Book Review: Ticker

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Ticker

I greatly enjoyed this read.  This is my first dive into the steampunk genre and I was pleasantly surprised!  Author Lisa Mantchev does a wonderful job of pulling you into the action from page one and keeps up the pace throughout the book.  Ticker is about a young woman named Penny Farthing who is the world's first Augmented human.  She has a clockwork heart and she is racing against time to save her family as well as herself.  I found Penny to be quite a spitfire with one heck of a sense of sarcasm.  I loved the humor that was used throughout the book mostly due to the fact that much of the one liners that Mantchev produces are things I could totally see myself using were I to be in a similar circumstance!  I found it a wonderful introduction to the steampunk genre with enough description that I was not lost but not so much that I felt that the literature had been dumbed down to suit every single reader.  I quickly found myself lost in Mantchev's alternate universe and found myself at several points unable to put down the book until I found out what happened next.  I also had the opportunity to listen to part of the book in audiobook form thank's to Audible's sale of the book and found it to be wonderfully narrated as well.  A wonderful read all around! I look forward to reading more from this author.  Book Rating: 4/5

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Book Review: Before I Go

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Before I Go

     I loved this book!  This is one of those books where you know the ending when you begin, and yet, by the end it feels like you have forgotten that you already knew the ending.  Daisy has a charming way of sneaking into your heart when you aren't looking and taking up residence there.  Her sarcastic wit and brutal honesty strikes a cord in me that I didn't expect.  And Jack!  Everyone needs a Jack in their life!  Bless his heart, he loves Daisy so much!  We all need a Jack to love us in our unlovable moments.  A dear friend and fellow book reviewer warned me that this was the kind of book I would need tissues for but I didn't listen.  My husband discovered me late last night sobbing like a baby over the contents of this book.  I think he thought I had grown another head.  I tried to explain it to him but he just didn't get it.  "They are just fictional characters!" he cried.  To which I promptly responded, "Yet my heart breaking is so very real!"  His response was just to roll his eyes at me.  Before I go is just one of those books.  You know the kind, those that are so heartbreakingly real that you will likely never be capable of reading it again but the book will forever hold a piece of your heart.  The kind of book that leaves you thinking about the heartache it created for weeks to come.   I would highly recommend this book to anyone, especially those dealing with grief or cancer in their lives.  Before I go gives a beautiful yet realistic sneak peek into the world of someone that is faced with their own mortality and those that care about them most.  However, be forewarned, you may find that you are not the advanced griever that you think you are.  Book rating: 5/5

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Book Review: Am I Pretty?

Book Review:

Purchase this book here! Am I Pretty?

     Am I Pretty? is a book written by Lindsey Jensen Berke and illustrated by Susan Shorter.  I found this book to be an enjoyable read with a really good message for children about the real meaning of the word pretty.  It is so important for young children to know and understand that beauty is not only on the surface, but rather it is who you are on the inside that determines their beauty.  This picture book is clearly aimed at a young audience, but I found that any age can appreciate the message it conveys.  My young elementary children enjoyed the story and illustrations and the message led to a meaningful follow up conversation.  This book would be great in classrooms and would make a wonderful teaching tool for educators.  The only thing I would have liked to see differently, is I would like to have seen the interaction with Julia's classmates to have been resolved, possibly with Julia returning to school and teaching her classmates what she learned from her mom.  Other than that I thought it was a great picture book! Rating 4/5

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Writer's Workshop: My Friend

Dear Future Self,
     Before you decide you need another guy to call your best friend, look around you.  You have a wonderful husband, a beautiful family that always keeps you busy, and your life is full of amazing people that are there for you when you really need them.  You do not need another guy in your life who will break down your protective walls only to leave you heartbroken in the end.  You are not 16 anymore.  Your life need not be wrapped up in changing yourself to be "good enough" to be deemed someone's friend.  You are good enough just the way you are.  You care more than just about anyone, almost to the point of being a detriment to yourself.  You have the honest desire to help those that you care about in order to help them find happiness.  You deserve happiness too.  You are smart and full of wit.  Someone who need not define themselves in another human being other than yourself.  It is time to move on from the past.  Seek out what you need from those around you that care enough to stick around even when you are not perfect.  It is ok to make mistakes.  It is ok to need people.  It is ok to ask for help.  It is even ok to take time off and go to book club, even when you are behind on your work!  It is ok to be yourself.  Some may not like you for who you are.  That is ok.  But many people will.  Be yourself, and eventually you will find those that will be begging to ask, "Will you be my friend?"  

Mama’s Losin’ It

Yet another post about being MIA

     So yet again I begin another post regarding how absent I have been on this blog and how I intend to try once again to revive it.  I always have the best of intentions and then life rears it's ugly head and I am again swallowed into the abyss that is my life.  The best I can offer is that I will try once more to be more consistent.  Why you ask? Because I want to.  I still believe this to be a place for me to write about things in my life where I don't have to edit for who will read it.  Although, with each step that I take to try to revive it, my blog becomes more and more public.  Oh well, such is life.  This revival has been prompted by some dear friends of mine in my book club.  They have begun blogs of their own and are reviewing books that are either recently published or have not yet been published.  It got me thinking, that there really is no reason for me to not join in the fun.  I love to read (when I can), I enjoy writing (when I give myself the time to do it), why not try a few book reviews of my own? So here I am, back on the trusty old blog that patiently waits for me to give it a bit of attention.  A revived effort! Here is hoping that I can stick with it this time.  Knowing my skill for starting things and not sticking with them, I am going to start slow and ease myself into it rather than jumping in with both feet the way I usually do only to have life swallow me whole and not stick with it.  I, frankly, like the idea of reviewing books and would like it to become an ongoing thing that I do on a regular basis.  I can't predict anything yet, but I am going to give it the old college try!  That and I hope to get some of the writer's workshop blog posts back up and running as well.  So check back!  Let's see what I come up with!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Writer's Workshop: 10 things I don't know how to do

This list could get interesting.  There are a lot of times when people ask you to make a list of things you can do but a list of what you don't know how to do is different.  Here goes nothing!

10. I don't know how to skydive but would like to learn.
9. I don't know how to cook and am not very motivated to learn, mostly because it NEVER turns out well!
8. I don't know how to fix anything related to the car, I am however, skilled at popping tires (two at a time) with potholes in the road. (Sadly, I've actually done that twice now with two different cars)
7. I don't know how to put a book down less than 50 pages from the end.
6. I don't know how to play video games to save my life (hah!), unless of course it is Super Mario Brothers from the original Nintendo.
5. I don't have a clue how to lie effectively when under pressure!
4. I don't know how in the world I ended up having twins! For people like me it should be illegal! ;P
3. I don't have a clue how to have a healthy sex life for anything other than for the purpose of reproduction. (My poor husband!)
2. I don't know how to feed baby food to my twins simultaneously by myself (the one time I tried, by the end, all three of us were having meltdowns.)
1. I don't know how to figure out who I am...all I know are the roles I fill...daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, teacher, student, etc.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Thursday, March 14, 2013


  Missing in Action.  That would describe my blogging efforts as of late.  Blogging seems to help me process stuff but other than the Writer's Workshop I just completed, I haven't done much blogging as of late.  Which is bizarre because I have just a touch more free time now.  Sorta but not really.  I have no doubt that next to no one is actually following other than ones that I publicly link but maybe that is for the better.  As of the last October I bonked my head and was worried that I might be pregnant yet again.  If I had known then what was in store for me I might have preferred to be pregnant.  Two weeks after I bonked my head I had to leave work because I felt like someone was stabbing me in my uterus.  Long story short I ended up in the hospital for almost a week while they tried to figure out what was wrong.  They had no solutions and insurance was breathing down the dr's neck to diagnose or discharge. I was sent home with a follow up appointment with my OB/GYN.  She had only one other potential solution.  Hysterectomy.  I was desperate for relief from the pain so I agreed to do it.  Upon analysis of my uterus they found that one of my fibroids was dying off which my Dr. says would be like having a heart attack in the uterus.  They also found another fibroid to be pre-cancerous.  Blessing in disguise? I guess so, but I'm still not sure.  Between that and more complications with our Commander in Chief, having our car broken into, identity stolen, bank account emptied two days before Christmas, applying for graduate school, quitting my job to be home with the twins so my husband could sleep more, being accepted into graduate school and taking on more credits than I should have, and volunteering in Princess Bubbles' classroom, life has been a little crazy!  But I enjoy blogging so I'm making an attempt to just pick up where I left off and continue on.  Time will tell if I can be consistent with it for more than like a month at a time.  We shall see!



Writer's Workshop: 

Someone I Talked to Today(Well, Yesterday)

"So what you are telling me is I have just completely wasted my time here at urgent care and now we are going to have to sit through the whole process AGAIN at the ER when I could have just started there in the first place!"

"No, ma'am that is not what I am saying.  I am saying that she does not look ill enough to warrant a direct admit to the hospital but it is my recommendation that we transport her by ambulance so she can be monitored to the emergency room where they can make that decision."

"Like I said, I have obviously just completely wasted my time here because we are still at step 1."

Are you freaking kidding me?! Ok, let me back up slightly.  My four year old Commander in Chief has asthma.  Her ONLY trigger is when she gets some kind of upper respiratory illness.  In the last three years she has been admitted to the hospital six times for the SAME things, displaying the SAME symptoms!  She appears to be just a child with a cold having a little trouble breathing.  What the doctor's don't seem to understand is that given her history I know what will happen.  Come time to go to bed at night because her body has been working so hard to keep her oxygen levels up throughout the day, her little body stops fighting so hard when she sleeps and those oxygen levels plummet!  As soon as they do we have to put her on oxygen and we are automatically hospitalized for a minimum of 48 hours.  When we can get her admitted proactively and they begin aggressive breathing treatments we can go home in 24 hours.  

We learned this the last time we had to do this.  Back in January.  By taking her to urgent care, they call her pediatrician and given her history and symptoms they do a direct admit to the hospital and we can bypass the multiple hour wait in the ER.  Which with a four year old who is tired, grouchy, and ill is a nightmare.  Given that this was an effective method last time, we started with urgent care.  

Only this Dr was a complete ass.  He wouldn't even call her pediatrician to discuss it.  He then comes in and tells me that while he doesn't see her as ill enough to be admitted, we should take her to the ER to be seen and that he is recommending that we do an ambulance transport because she needs to be monitored.  

SERIOUSLY?! I was so frustrated I nearly pulled my hair out!!! So, since he refused, I called her pediatrician, and was basically in tears explaining the situation to her.  Thankfully she understands my frustration with this process.  She called down to the ER department before we got there and spoke with the attending prior to our arrival.  As it turned out, given the frequency of our stays the Pediatric Resident on shift remembered us, so luckily, between the two, they went ahead and agreed to admit her overnight for observation so that we could begin the aggressive breathing treatments.  So here I sit.  Once again, correct once again about MY child, DESPITE the stupid Dr's that refuse to listen to the MOTHER who has done this SEVEN times now, waiting to complete the process so that we can go home.  Don't get me wrong, I usually do exactly what the Dr's tell us to do, but when it comes to the Commander in Chief, I KNOW my kid!  I'm not some neglectful parent who doesn't know crap about my child and enjoys staying in the hospital.  I have three other kids at home that need me.  TRUST ME, I'd rather be home!

Mama’s Losin’ It

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Writer's Workshop: 10 things you have said to your kids that other moms wouldn't say.

Writer's Workshop: 10 things you have said to your kids that other moms wouldn't say.

I really should start keeping a list of these because out of context there are some really good ones! Only problem is, now that I am being asked to make a lit, I can't remember them! Mommy fail! Oh well, I will try to dig through some resources to find some good ones.

1. "We don't wake big sister up from nap by banging her over the head repeatedly with a school bus!"

2. "Stop climbing the doorframe! I did not give birth to a monkey and we aren't going to start now."

3. "If you don't go to sleep right now I am going to call the police and have them come take you away because you aren't listening to your mommy and that is against the law."

4. "Go find the other (insert name here) and come back out when you have found her!" (Thinking it will be my fault when my kid develops a split personality. She has actually started doing it to her self. "I'm going to go find the other (insert own name)!")

5. "We didn't email the tooth fairy in time. She will come tomorrow night." (Translation, Mommy forgot to get cash, why can't kids accept credit cards for tooth fairy money?)

6. "Where did you throw your head?! You better find it before we get out of this car or I am taking your head away and throwing it in the trash!" (Anyone else remember the doll heads from McDonalds a few years back? Yea, made for AWESOME jokes between Daddy and I during the road trip. We sought inspiration from the old movie Eight Heads In a Duffle Bag.)

7. "Does it smell dirty? Here let's spray it with Febreeze so you can wear it again. Even I can't do laundry in ten seconds!" (Worst mom EVER!)

8. "You can't say that word until you are 18. That's why Mommy and Daddy can, we are old."

9. "No I will not kiss your butt to make it better, go ask your dad."

10. "If you touch your sister one more time, I just might cut your fingers off!"

Thinking I need to start keeping a list. It would make an awesome annual post. "This year I will try not to repeat these statements again because they probably aren't the most supportive of my children." Oh well, such is life in our household! After all, I already warned you I am certifiable! ;)

Mama’s Losin’ It

Twin Fussies

Twin Fussies

I am a mother of three month old twins. As well as a mother of a four year old and a six year old. My favorite phase of the stages we have been through thus far is the first stage. The newborn phase, the infant phase, the baby phase. I have other fond phases as well as some I am not so fond of in addition to phases, lets face it, I'm terrified of to come. But at the moment, my favorite is the phase I am smack dab in the middle of least that used to be my favorite phase...apparently I just lucked out with two fairly easy babies...guess I am now making up for it. I didn't ask for twins. I love them and would never give them up, but I didn't ask for this. Is that selfish and wrong of me to say? How dare I question my children. But if I can't be honest behind a blog of anonymity where can I be honest? People see me out in public and talk about how double blessed I am....can someone please help me see this? Feeling like a failure on a daily basis because I can not produce enough milk for them, feeling like I don't measure up against the mommies that have it all together, feeling like a failure because I financially as well as for the sake of my sanity be a stay at home mom, feeling like a failure because most of my days whether it is one, the other or both I can NOT GET THEM TO STOP CRYING! I understand they are premature. I understand that they don't know better. I understand that they aren't trying to be difficult or fussy. I understand that they don't know what they are doing to my heart when I hear that once again my husband, who works nights, didn't get any sleep because they wouldn't stop fussing, or when they get themselves all worked up and can't calm themselves down, or when I am up most of the night with them.....I understand that, I do, but how many days can you go through this before you start to feel as if you are being cheated out of something? So many people say they have always wanted twins...I never felt that way. I was perfectly ok with one baby at a time. Because I could pour myself into that one little person and show them all the love I had. Now I feel divided and like neither of Themis getting the mommy they deserve. AND THEY WON'T STOP FUSSING. Nothing makes you feel like a failure faster than not knowing how to make them stop crying. NOTHING WORKS.....there is a part of me that wishes we had them one at a time and then I immediately feel wracked with shame. How dare I say something like that when people fight for years just to have one and here my body produced two all on its own! I suffer from severe anxiety...not a good combination when it comes to having children let alone twins....I don't know what I am doing! I crave the moments when they finally sleep....I let them sleep past feeding time as long as they just stay sleeping! I feel like I am missing out on my favorite phase because I am living for the times when they are asleep. I want to hug and love on them and have them look at me and smile....that's it! But instead I hug and love on them and they don't make eye contact with me and smiles for me are few and very far between.....and they cry...and they fuss....and they frown...and they look ANYWHERE but at their mommy...God sure has a sense of humor...or something...people like me shouldn't be allowed to have twins...I don't know what I am doing...and so I sit here...feeling like I'm drowning....drowned out by the cries of my dear sweet beautiful twin fussies that I can't do right by no matter what I try...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Pour Your Heart Out: A Bonk On The Head

A Bonk On The Head

I bonked my head about two weeks ago. I know what you are thinking, yea and? Every time I bonk my head....wait for it....I end up pregnant. It is the ONLY time I bonk my head! Ever! Let me back up and explain.

About three months after my husband and I got married I was at work like any other day. I was speaking with another teacher and a child had crawled behind me and I stepped back slightly, lost my balance and fell backwards. I cracked my head on the ground so hard I saw stars. After a trip to urgent care and the hospital for an MRI(?) and having my head thoroughly examined, it was determined that there was nothing there. However it appeared to have knocked loose my uterus or something because two weeks later I ended up knocked up. (My husband had been told by two different doctors that he was sterile. So we decided we wouldn't actively try for kids yet, but we wouldn't prevent either.) Imagine our surprise when we got that positive test!

Fast forward two years. The week before, I had found out that we were expecting our second child. Again I was at work (different state, different work), I had rushed over to the infant room from the toddler room to find the bathroom because I was having trouble with the morning sickness and there was no adult bathroom in the toddler room. You had to go outside to travel between the two rooms. As I was headed back to the toddler room, one of the infant teachers called me back to tell me something. I turned back right as I stepped on the door mat, which just so happened to have a layer of ice between it and the ground outside. Down I went! And yep, you guessed it! Bonked my head. My husband teased me THE WHOLE pregnancy "Maybe we are having twins." (God has a sick sense of humor! Just keep reading.)
Fast forward three years. I was, again, at work(funny about that), and bent over to pick up something on the ground near the wall. As I came back up I cracked the back of my head on the subwoofer that was attached to the wall. I cracked my head so hard I nearly blacked out. Again, off to have my head examined and again, nothing was found. Two weeks later I had a miscarriage.

Fast forward to last year. I randomly hit my head on the car as I was trying to buckle my daughter into her car seat. At this point we know that hitting my head, while a joke and coincidence the first two times, obviously means something's up because it happens EVERY TIME and ONLY then. So we laugh but carry on. Later that week I decide to take a test to get it out of the house because it has been laying around for awhile and I didn't want to just throw away an unused pregnancy test. Well, hello in there! Yep, you guessed it! Pregnant again! We were ecstatic. A little nervous being that we had miscarried last year but we figured that was just a fluke. I miscarried at 8 weeks.

Fast forward a month after second miscarriage. Suspected that I was pregnant. Took a test that showed up negative. Randomly cracked the back of my head getting back in the car after taking the test and knew the test had to be wrong. Tested again 3 days later, bing! Positive! Proceeded to end up hitting my head several times in the following week or two. Funny enough, I was preggo with twins. We spent much of the pregnancy excited, nervous and scared as hell. Hubby spent the whole pregnancy trying to convince me the sonograms were showing a third hidden baby.

My twins are just barely three months old as of this last Monday, and my husbands thought triplets would be funny when I was carrying my twins, and God has proven to have a sense of humor.

I bonked my head about two weeks ago...

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Desperate Twin Mommy

Dear Mother's milk tea,
You had to taste like licorice. Ick! Why can't you be in pill form like Brewers Yeast? You better be worth it!

Desperate Twin Mommy

Friday, October 12, 2012


Things have been a struggle lately. I feel like I'm fighting to stay alive treading water with all I've got and drowning all at the same time. When I don't talk about it, I'm called out for saying I'm ok when I am obviously not. When I'm open about how I'm feeling I'm told that it isn't the way I see it to be or I'm over reacting or you must be tired, go to bed and you will feel better in the morning. Which to some extent works because it allows time for the metaphorical and sometimes actual sunglasses these days to get themselves in place. I have always believed that eyes are windows to the soul. With sunglasses you can't see what is inside. It allows me to hide away how I really feel and "pretend" I've figured it all out in my head. I haven't. I'm lying! See that I'm lying! I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm jealous as hell about everything and everyone, I'm lonely, I'm exhausted, I'm ready to give up but in the same breath I want to keep trying because there are so many things that make it SOOO worth it! I got in trouble the last time I allowed myself to sever into two like this, the real me and the me people want to see. If I remember correctly it was just after the miscarriage when we lost the baby at 8 weeks. Severed to the extreme that my doc called it borderline PTSD. I fear we are headed back down that road, I see and feel myself spiraling but I can't make it stop and no one gets it or knows how to step in and bump me back on track. I don't recognize myself anymore. People don't seem to recognize me either. I've changed. Yes I have, but can't you see I'm trying to get out of this hole? No, it's easier just to believe I'm not the same and brush it off so that you don't have to deal with the messiness that is my reality at the moment. Apparently most of my friendships are that of convenience. When it works for them or things are great no problem. But when stuff gets real and gets hard they check out till I'm "normal" again. Which further encourages the severing process. I don't have enough friends to begin with to be able to manage losing the few I've got. And so, for now, I continue to hide. I keep my sunglasses close at hand, as I sever a little more each and every day...and with it goes a bit more of "me" with each slice...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Writers Workshop: YouTube faves!

Mama’s Losin’ It

The prompt I went with this week was to pick five favorite videos off of you tube. So here is what I've got. Enjoy!

#1 Que Sera
I love this just because it is so stinking cute to see this little girl trying to sing with her mommy(I think?)!

#2 Evolution of Dance
Love this! It's hilarious, fun, and reminds you of tons of songs you grew up on!

#3 Treadmill Dancing
A favorite from way back! I'm sure several of you have seen this!

#4 Pregnant and I know it
Another real popular one lately. Discovered it while I was pregnant with my twins. Laughed sooooo hard! And still do!

#5 Old school Jeff Dunham
My husband and I love him! This clip is from back before he made it big!

And I tend to be one of those over achievers so here is a sixth video for you that I think is totally awesome!

#6 Marching band awesomeness
Reminds me of my high school band days but this is even better! How many video games can you pick out?! Watch for the horse, its awesome! And the ending is totally fun too! It is a little long but totally worth it!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Pour Your Heart Out: Happy Birthday

"Happy Birthday!"

A simple phrase that for some reason means more than it should. I suppose it is something I should have grown out of, but I haven't. Why you ask? Hah! Probably because I'm a glutton for punishment! Let me go back.

As a child, my birthday had the same anticipation as Christmas for most people. Never could understand why, but it did. And almost every year it let me down so I would hope for the next year. In middle school the big thing was to have balloons on your birthday. Your friends would buy you balloons and bring them to school for you to tie on your backpack. Almost like a huge sign that reminded the rest of the school to wish you a happy birthday. I was diligent in this activity, being sure my friends, the few I had, had balloons to tie to their backpacks. But for whatever reason, no one ever did the same for me. "I forgot, I'm sorry." Or my personal favorite, "I wanted to but my parents wouldn't let me!" Oh you are so full of crap! Just tell the truth! "It wasn't important to me enough to bother." I was so pathetic that I told my dad this tradition and so from then on he would go and get me a balloon for my birthday and hide it in the coat closet for me to find, tie on my backpack and wear to school. I know, way lame right? I think the truth of it is, I just wanted to be reminded that I wasn't just another person roaming the planet but that I mattered too.

I don't even remember high school other than hearing large choruses of people singing happy birthday to people and my birthday passing fairly quietly. I guess you could say I have kind of brought it on myself. I don't remind people of my birthday anymore because I kinda want to see if it is important enough for them to remember on their own. Sadly, they usually don't.

For instance, today is my birthday. My husband got confused on the dates and thought the 10th was yesterday. But then today, has yet to say anything. Facebook sends it cute little reminder to everyone so sure, I have 15 or so random people from my life wishing me a happy birthday but it isn't very personal at all. Just the obligatory, "I don't have an excuse" kinda thing. But the people in my everyday life? Nope, not a word. Even though some of them actually have Facebook to and have even gotten the obnoxious reminder! Work, where they talk about how different they are here about birthdays and such, no one has say even so much as a "Happy Birthday". It's noon and I already want to say the hell with it all.

I don't know why I set myself up for disappointment, I know it is going to happen year after year. People have tried to organize surprise parties for me and they never work because people just can't ever make it. I throw a birthday party and only a small few show. Don't get me wrong, I know I sound selfish. It isn't that I'm not excited about the people that cared enough about me to make it happen, it is just depressing to me to see how once again I just don't quite measure up. Once again, I'm just not quite good enough to be remembered.

Oh, and my birthday present to myself? Was pumping this morning, usually I get 2 oz of breast milk in the morning. This morning? Nothing. Literally nothing. Happy birthday to me! I give up!

Next year I think I will call in sick and not tell anyone and just go hide somewhere and get lost in a book until it is another day. After all, hopefully tomorrow will be better...but of course it will, because it will no longer be my birthday! Because after all, my birthdays suck.

Monday, October 8, 2012


I feel like everything in my life is wrong. Shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have felt that, shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't....shouldn't intervene, shouldn't be curious, shouldn't care, shouldn't offer my opinion...not sure why I care...

Blog post fail

I'm staring at a blank screen and don't know what to write about. And so I sit...and stare. So much going on inside and yet I seem to be cut off from it all....nothing seems important enough to write about. Doubting that anyone actually reads these other than the few that followed my link on the writer's workshop I guess it doesn't matter what I write about....I still got post fail.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Mama’s Losin’ It
Writer's Workshop: Share a moment when you felt overwhelmed.
I'm only supposed to have moments?! I think most of my life I feel overwhelmed about one thing or another. Lol oh well, here goes. But you are getting two moments well, stories, they both lasted more than a moment. Deal. ;)


January 11th, 2012 Early morning
Having a ultrasound today. I am eight weeks pregnant. We are excited but reserved. I lost a baby on October 16th of this last year at eight weeks. This appointment is to check on the baby and be sure that everything is starting up ok. I'm really nervous. You see, I have had two miscarriages since the birth of my then youngest daughter. One happened in November of 2010 and then again this last October. I'm afraid we aren't meant to have anymore children. My stomach hurts from the anticipation of this visit.

My friend and I talk about what the baby will look like at this stage. I have been canvassing the web finding pictures of 8 week ultrasounds. With my first two children I didn't get a sneak peek inside until 20 or so weeks when they determined the gender. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up.
The technician comes in and has me lay back on the table. My friend and I are chit chatting as the image comes up on screen. The technician is only barely getting focused on the correct area of my uterus when something crosses the screen that shouldn't have. A extra "bubble". She is already trying to skim over it.


"Twins. There is two in there." The technician answered for me.

"WHA????" I looked at my friend in hopes that she could help me process this information. I was completely shell shocked...

She put her hand on my arm and said calmly because she is always calm like that, so glad I had her with me!, "Sweetie, you are having twins."

"WHA?! BUT! WAIT!" (No, those are not typo's. I wasn't finishing words let alone making complete sentences! The airhead in me comes out in all her shining glory.) "HOW?" At this point I felt almost completely numb from shock. I could not process what was going on around me.

The technician and my friend looked at each other and kinda laughed. Hence my need to clarify, "No, I mean, I know how! But, well, how did this happen? I wasn't taking anything to help with fertility and this doesn't run in my family! I'm so confused!"

Technician: "Sometimes it just happens."

My eyes fill with tears as I look back at my friend and I can see her eyes are filled with tears too. "It is just like your sister in law. She lost one and almost immediately ended up with two."

"Yes, honey, like my sister in law."

"I wish she was still here now."

"Me too, sweetie, me too."

I hurried home to show my husband. Are you ready for this?! His response to the ultrasound picture?! He laughed!!! Are you kidding me?! I was freaking out!!!

And I thought having two children running around was overwhelming! I had two babies inside of me. I was going to be huge! I was going to be doing double everything! Surely God was kidding! This was a cosmic joke of some kind! People with anxiety disorders like me shouldn't be allowed to get pregnant with twins! What was He thinking?! And then the fear set in...twins have a higher risk of miscarriage. I couldn't keep a single baby in, how was I going to make two stick?! Now what?!

I spent the majority of the pregnancy totally spooked about this adventure!

Fast forward to July 14th, 2012
At this point I'm in the hospital due to the preeclampsia. I'm retaining huge amounts of water and have a constant headache that is so painful that I literally want to curl up and die. They have me on pain medication that is ten times stronger than Morphine. I'm a lightweight when it comes to medication so needless to say I was high as a kite...almost all of the time! They had just put in a PCA of the medication for me and I was trying to learn how to administer it frequently enough to keep the pain at bay but not so much that I would tap out and not be allowed more. Early that morning I was having some Braxton hicks but just to be on the safe side they sent me down to L&D triage to be checked out. This was before the night shift nurses got off so I had a nurse I had met before. (At this point I was getting to know a lot of them.) They hooked me up to the contraction monitor but nothing showed up so they gave me the standard talk about Braxton hicks and how at this stage of twin pregnancy it is common for me to be feeling them a lot. They felt like really bad menstrual cramps so I figured it was nothing being that it was nothing like the contractions I felt while in labor with my two girls.

So anyway, throughout the day my stomach would cramp up from time to time and I didn't think much of it. I didn't think much of anything honestly being that the pain killers were still fairly strong in my system.

Late that night the cramping was getting worse and worse. I was timing how long they hurt for and how frequently they were occurring. I kept telling my nurse that it hurt but it was nothing. We went through the same thing this morning and it was nothing. Finally she said enough and sent me downstairs again to be checked. It was hurting pretty bad so I finally agreed.

They get me on the monitors and again, nothing. I have the same triage nurse as I did this morning and she remembered me. She gave me the same talk about Braxton hicks at this stage of pregnancy. She called the dr who was covering for my OB who has just left for vacation. (Which as a side note, before things started getting complicated I had begged my dr to delivery these guys before she left town because something in me seemed to know something would happen while she was gone. Something I will never let her live down. I was soooo right!) The dr on call mentioned to the nurse that it is looking like they should deliver me tomorrow given the number of complications that were beginning to arise. I was floored. I remember turning to my husband and saying, "tomorrow?! It can't be tomorrow! It is too soon! That is not the plan!" My husband basically told me to stop over reacting. Lol.

The nurse came back (intuition or something nudged her) and asked when the last time I had been manually checked was. Given that she hadn't checked me that morning, it had been, well, several weeks. So just to be sure she decides to check me. Up her hand goes. It hurt really bad this time around! It felt like she kept pushing higher and higher! I can hear her muttering, "I feel it but I don't believe it..."

This does not help me stay calm at all. I'm afraid she is about to pull out an alien with massive claws or something! "Feel what?! Believe what?!"

The nurse checks the contraction monitor again, but again, there is nothing showing up, even though I'm in serious pain now! Even with the pain killers in my system! She leaves the curtained off area and finds her head nurse person. Note to all, the curtain isn't soundproof! I catch her saying 8cm but surely she couldn't be talking about me because after all, there were no contractions showing up on the monitor. And it just felt like the menstrual cramps from hell, not contractions! The other nurse comes in and shoves her hand up there too, what was this a meet and greet?! "Hey boss, I left you a surprise inside this patient, go pull it out and see what you think!"

She confirms the nurses suspicions, sure enough I was 8cm and they could feel the bag of water just sitting there. "Call the dr back, these babies are coming tonight!"


Tomorrow is all of a sudden sounding really good! Forget tomorrow! These babies can't come NOW!!!! I'm not ready! No one is here! There was a plan! We. Had. A. Plan. Our plan just flew out the window and took my coping skills with it. There was a reason for the plan. It was to prevent P-A-N-I-C!!

At this point they snagged all nurses on deck that were not working with critical in labor patients to help with me. They threw the locks off the gurney wheels and sent me flying down the hallway to prep me for an emergency C-section.

I had no time to actually process what was happening. I kept telling them to stop, to give me something for the pain(yea, I forgot that part, as soon as they knew it was labor they cut me off the pain meds so now I was feeling full on labor with no work up time AND the excruciating headache from the preeclampsia!), but it seemed like no one heard me! They were telling me things as they were doing them not before.

"I'm cutting your shirt off so we can get the gown on." Yes, yes you are cutting my shirt, thanks for asking me about it first! What if I liked that shirt and wanted to keep it?! I didn't, but what if I did?!

"Here drink this, it's gross but think of it like a shot. Down the hatch." seriously?! I'm dying and you want me to pretend this thing is a shot of whiskey? Give me real whiskey, damn it, this hurts!! "It neutralizes the stomach."

Bzzzz!! WTF? "We have to shave you for surgery." WAIT! I didn't sign on for this! Why are you touching me there with an electric razor?! Why didn't you ask me first?! I'm here too you know! And where is my husband?!...Oh, there he is, in the back corner, out of the way so they could do their job.....the hell with being in the way I need you here with me!

OW!! Seriously?! It hurts! Both babies are breech and Baby A is trying to push his butt out my hoo haw! Drugs! Give me drugs! Anything! Can't you tell I'm dying here?!?! Oh no, have to wait for the blood test results! Oh yea, at some point they pulled my blood to run tests. I've had lab work done at the hospital before and it takes forever to get results back! Do I get pushed to the front of the que because my babies are trying to come out upside down and backwards and no one noticed till now?! I thought being in the hospital was supposed to prevent this emergency thing! They were supposed to notice sooner!

I don't even remember being wheeled from the delivery room into the operating room. They sat me up, "hi doc, nice to see you, I'm dying can you tell? Btw, where is my husband?" What do you mean he can't come in here till I'm prepped?! The hell with that he should be forced to witness the most painful parts! So here I am on the operating table, contractions are making me want to die so I know I must be in transition now. If they don't hurry up this baby is going to push out backwards. My last kid came out in only 3 pushes, count 'em, 3!!! Now I'm supposed to lean over and STAY still! Seriously? I mean, really?! We are contracting hard, even though it still feels like menstrual cramps, my head wants to blow up, literally!, and they are stabbing me with a huge ass needle!

I'm going to die! I'm going to die! "Look doc, it was nice knowing you and all, tell my doc I told her to deliver me before she left! I'm going to die, tell my husband I love him being that you won't let him in!" She had the gall to laugh! Really? You Are Laughing?!

Bless her heart, she took pity on me and came up next to me and rubbed my head to help me through this and reassured me I wasn't going to die. The anesthesiologist had to stab me three times! Finally he got it in! What did my body do with the next contraction to thank him? Farted! Yea! Right in his face! Awesome! How else am I going to be tortured tonight?! Let's add humility to the list! After all, I think my modesty was stripped away as they cut my shirt off and shaved me down. To add insult to injury, when they finally laid me back, oh I felt so much better all of a sudden! He was my knight in shining armor! Forget my husband, he wasn't even there yet! This guy was hot! epidural's affect the brain? This guy was totally in the right profession! You provide relief to woman in their darkest hour! Surely I'm not the only pregnant laboring woman to hit on you right?! I told him he was hot like three times. My husband is convinced that if he weren't in the room(yea they finally let him in) I would have asked the guy out! Sad truth is it did cross my mind!

They taped my stomach down, weird is all I can say, but by this point I had stopped caring about it all. The pain had stopped, the rest I would deal with later. Out came my babies one after another which triggered a whole new overwhelming moment, but we won't get into that!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


Trying something new. Came across a blogger that does a Writing workshop every week and felt like trying it out. If you want to check it out for yourself here is where you can find her: Mama's Losin' it!

One of last week's prompts is the write a blog post inspired by the word: Leaves

Here goes nothing! Although what type of leaves wasn't clarified so leave it to me to go with the less obvious theme.


Everyone always leaves. It is something I have come to accept in my life. No matter what, no matter how good I am, it never lasts. It started with my mom back when I was six. Although sometimes I wonder if mentally she left me long before that. Then my grandma at 9. Every older female role model in my life has been tolerant at first but always leaves in the end because they can not handle the intensity of what is, well, me. My friends seem to always be like that too. Something always happens and they say enough and walk away. Not just the "We grew apart" kinda thing, that is expected over the years. No, I'm talking about the, "Please don't ever talk to me again" kind.

Because of this I have grown up assuming that eventually everyone will leave me because I am just not good enough to keep around. So I've reached a point in my life that I can't keep making myself vulnerable to others because in the end it is me that is left abandoned like I never meant anything to them at all. Which leaves me to wonder, are they right? The common denominator is me. What is so terrible about me?

It is amazing how fast that core belief and fear can mess with the relationships you currently still have for the moment. I have become a jealous person of everyone other than myself. Let me tell you, that is like marriage suicide. I came head to head with this recently. Let me explain.

My husband gets along well with people. He may be a hermit by choice, but people like him. He used to have a lot of friends that were female. He tells me that the reason they all liked him was because he was helpful and supportive without having an additional agenda for them. I have always been jealous of this but it hasn't really mattered until recently. One of his old friends looked him up. Facebook is a wonderful thing....sometimes. I spooked. Because, after all, why would he not leave me, it's become my life, everyone leaves. I had fears of him walking off and leaving me and our four kids and falling for her and living happily ever after without me. Drove me insane! I spent a week having all kinds of issues! Now back up a moment with me. This has nothing to do with trusting my husband or not. It has everything to do with the fact that if I were to write and autobiography I could totally call it, "Everybody leaves" and it would be quite fitting! I have such a crappy view of myself that it doesn't matter what anyone says, I'm convinced that eventually they will give up on me and walk away.

So after tormenting myself for like a week I finally carve out some time for him and I to chat without the four vamps that are totally taking their job seriously and sucking the energy out of us double triple and now quadruple fold! I break down and tell him everything, and as kind of expected he gets kind of irritated. But who wouldn't right? I mean come on, really? He married me and we have four kids! He isn't going anywhere! But still, being me, I needed the reassurance. And after a bit of an awkward conversation, basically the crazy wife jealous over, well, literally nothing. At the end of the night here is what I came away with.

I may be jealous of others, and people may indeed leave. But the relationship that matters the most in my life. That of my husband and our marriage. At the end of the day, he picked me. He chose me. He wanted me. And there is nothing I could do that would change that. I even said as much.

"You picked me."

"Every time."

Everybody leaves....or do they?


Nothing breaks your heart faster than hearing your child basically tell you she is being bullied at school. To be a mother is to walk around with your heart outside of your body. I haven't felt the extreme of that in awhile.

We were on our way to school after a particularly difficult morning. When looking in the rear view mirror I caught my daughter's eye after she had been staring out the window and saw some of the saddest eyes I've seen in a long time.

"What's up sweetie?"
*sigh* "Nothing, it's just that I don't have that many friends."
"Why not?"
"They all say they don't want to be my friend and say mean things."
"What do they say?"
"They say not nice words and tell me they don't like my haircut, backpack and sometimes my clothes."

At this point my heart is breaking for her, I know exactly how she feels. It was my path through school as well and I don't want it to be hers. I almost don't want to know more but I have to ask.

"What kind of not nice words do they say? I won't be upset, I just want to know what they are saying to you."
"They call me Long legs(like the spider) and Dinosaur."

Ok yea, we have all been called worse, but this is happening frequently with her. Not all the same kids which tells me that somehow she has inherited the target from her mom. It breaks my heart that she is already being faced with being bullied. My daughter is six! It's disgusting that her pleasure in school, which needs to be a safe place is being ruined by kids who think its funny to laugh at someone else's expense. Now don't get me wrong, our whole family is sarcastic, but these kids are just being downright mean. They pick on her on the bus and at recess and tell her friends mean things about her by whispering them in the ears of her other friends. You see, my girl doesn't quite fit in at school for one obvious reason. She attends school in an area that is predominately Hispanic. Don't get me wrong I have no issues with them, but their are differences. They tend to be on the shorter side in comparison. My daughter is the tallest in her grade most likely and has dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and she is all leg, cute as can be! But because she is so different it opens her up to be a target.

Hearing about what she is going through at school, a lot of things are beginning to fall into place regarding her recent behavior at home. She has had a lot of change in recent months but I think the bullying is impacting her the most. It breaks my heart because I am powerless to stop it. I spoke with the principal who is going to further investigate and we told the teacher so that they can be watching out for her, but the truth is, it happens. It will happens lot! How do I give her the tools to stand up for herself and not become a target at every school she goes to? I certainly don't have them. I was tormented most of my school years and it left scars that I am still trying to repair and I am going to be 31 next week!

It has been dragging up some difficult memories from me during my childhood years. Kids are mean. I wish there was more I could do to change it....but there is only so much mommy can do for her because sometimes that would make it even worse!

Looking back over my blog and beginning to wonder why I opened it up to make public. It isn't like anyone will actually read it!

Monday, October 1, 2012

I have lots of stories to tell...if only I could remember them!

I decided I wanted to open this blog up and make it anonymous but public just to try my hand at this blogging concept, so I have been keeping my eye out for events and stories that would be worth blogging about. I have found that many times a day things occur that would make amusing stories to share about my life. Trouble is, I forget them by the time I have any down time to write about it! So until they come back to me let me share a funny story from my kiddos from a few years back.

We were on our way to dinner a couple years ago, back when we had some money to go out, when our Drama Queen wrinkles her nose up and asks quite loudly, "What's that smell?!"

Without missing a beat our little Commander in Chief says calmly and amazingly clearly, "My butt."

My husband and I looked at each other and just busted up laughing. What else is a parent to do when you see your kids are growing up to be just like you?!

Mommy of the year! Hah! Not!

The other day sucked, not even sure I remember why, only that I went out with a final mommy fail for the history books. I was so tired and exhausted and run down that I didn't care what was for dinner. I didn't even have the energy for PB & J. So what did I do? Off I went to the grocery store, cuz no one can really afford to eat out anymore, and what did I find? The ultimate in parent lazy dinners. Uncrustables. Yes, people, my family had frozen PB &J sandwiches that some factory had already removed the crust from and sealed into a plastic bag. The worst part of this whole thing? The girls absolutely loved it! Really?! I give up. Bring on the uncrustables!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Birthing of the nicknames

My husband I refer to as my Redneck Knight in shining armor. I call him that pretty much every time he saves my sorry ass from some crazy as conundrum that I've managed to get myself into. He may end up being shortened still further to RK at some point because, let's face it, I'm REALLY lazy! And yet I harp on my students about not using texting lingo and yet here I am doing the same. However, in my own teacher defense, I know when it is acceptable to use such versus turning in an English paper written so much in text that I couldn't even read it! Yea, that poor boy rewrote that paper!

My oldest daughter earned the nickname Princess Bubbles when she was born. Long story short, we found the name Bubbles in a baby name book as a possible girls name. To which my response was, "what were they smoking when they were collecting these names and putting them together?!" Along with a brief, "and where can I find some?!" So anyways it became the running joke for the remainder of the pregnancy. Flash forward to her birth day, right as I'm delivering her, someone happened to look down just after her head had cleared before the rest of her was born and she had this massive snot bubble coming out of her nose! So after she was born we kept referring her to Princess and still laughing about Bubbles. W never gave the nurse her name. So the nurse took it upon herself and on her little name plate for the hospital I-want-to-be-a-crib the nurse wrote down Princess Bubbles. Hey, I'm sure they have heard of worse right? So that is how Princess Bubbles came to be. Although recently she has turned into quite a gremlin lately, especially when trying to get her to do her homework so I'm thinking of referring to her as The Drama Queen!! TDQ. I shall likely use them interchangeably.

My now middle daughter has always marched to the beat of her own drummer. If she follows someone's example it is because she chose to or because she feels no need to please everyone(thank God for that, except when she decides she doesn't want to do what I have asked. ) On a camping trip a few years back she decided she was walking back to the beach with her toys and told my oldest to come too, and she did!! We let them walk almost out of sight and sure enough my middle kiddo is dictating how fast, which direction, and what toys to discuss along the way! We call her our Commander In Chief...unless we are referring to her as The Destroyer, which, of course, really needs no explanation!

My son has been bigger than his twin sister for their entire lives so far. So for quite some time I have been calling him my Chunky Monkey but have tried to cut off on the chunky part and just call him Monkey so he won't develop a complex when he is older. Who am I kidding, with me as their mom they will likely have many.

And last but certainly not least, my youngest twin, bugs out and crosses her eyes. It is SOOO cute! Hence the nickname bug. It was either that or Piglet because every time she gets upset she starts to snort. But again, we didn't want to give her a complex as well.

Friday, September 28, 2012

To blog or not to blog

I have recently discovered some blogs that I have completely fallen in love with. Some are more popular than others. But it has gotten me thinking. Some people actually blog and get paid for it right? How cool would that be. But it makes me wonder, is my life worth having anyone read about it? Not much exciting happens here. We are ALWAYS busy but I'm not sure that is equivalent to interesting. That and I seem to have a fear of commitment! I started this blog last November and didn't stick with it either. And I have no excuse! I was on bed rest from the 13th week on with the twins! Of course during most of that time I sat around and worried about the babies and drove myself crazy watching Dora with my then three year old. If my daughter didn't answer one of Dora's questions I felt this insane necessity to answer simply so we wouldn't have dead expectant air.

I love to write, but lets face it, I get distracted by anything and EVERYTHING! I would like to become a blogger but I'm not sure it will happen. Maybe I will start with reading a few others still and writing a little more often on my own. After all, I have three! This one which allows me to be a bit more honest because it is anonymous, one that is locked up which serves as a place for the really bad thoughts and reflections, and a family one to keep extended family updated on our lives, not that I update that one either! I usually just post a bunch of pictures! Maybe I will turn it into a photo blog or something.

Random thought, write about nicknames and how they earned them.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


The first 2/3 of my day was awesome! I felt confident and good about myself. I went for my six week postpartum check up, had to wait awhile to be seen, which is common, but what do you expect, it is a dr! I have only lost two additional pounds since last month when I had my two week post-op checkup. Although I can't exactly expect to see a fifty pound loss at every visit. That is kind of a one time after pregnancy confidence booster. Swung through the Verizon store for a moment to check out the phone I want to get for The Redneck Knight and then had lunch by myself. After that I headed back to the house. I was fine for a bit and then almost for no reason at all the late afternoon and early evening just SUCKED! No idea why! Yes, the kiddos were fussy but not for long and it was because they were hungry. But for whatever reason I felt completely overwhelmed about nothing and it seemed like it didn't matter how simple the issue I just couldn't handle it!

Bless my husband who saw the warning signs and sent me off by myself, again, to gather myself with some time away room the kids. Wasn't what I did for most of the day? Oy. I don't get it! It helped, but it makes me lonely because I didn't get much time with my husband today.

Other changes in life, we are talking about having Our Magic Fairy move in with us for the next several months. Her lease is up at the end of September and it would be a way for us all to save some money every month that we can put away towards getting the heck out of this town! I think it will take some reorganizing and me getting rid of a lot of stuff I really don't NEED, and figuring out how to establish boundaries for everyone so that we don't drive everyone insane ;) We shall see what happens!

Alright, time to wake the babies and feed them so we can all get some sleep! ;)

Awakening August 23rd, 2012

This evening I had a really good chat with two different friends tonight. Apparently my counseling skills have re-awoken within me. It honestly felt really good. I felt like for the first time in a very long time I was able to offer something to someone else rather than taking from others because we have nothing left of ourselves to give. I had forgotten how much I get from the conversations I partake in that allow me to offer new perspective or new light onto something that they themselves are wrestling with. I feel almost like my old self! Which old self that is I am not sure.

She and I really do have a different kind of relationship than most people realize or even have the potential to understand. I have been having a hard time with her in recent months. Mostly because at the end of the day, as generous as she is, on some level deep down I am disgustingly jealous of the fact that she will probably never have to hold down a real job in order to make the bills. My RK and I fight so hard everyday just for what we are scraping by with and it angers me that we can't ever catch a break. I think deep down I begin to resent her life of financial surplus. I do not envy her path in life. She has a long road ahead. I realize that I tend to defend her to others when they start to rag on things that make them not like her as a person. The truth is, all of those things are very real, and quite obnoxious but at the end of the day, that isn't who she is as much as it is her past that she is trying hard to overcome. With clearer eyes I really do see her as my obnoxious younger sister in need of some hard core maturing. But I also see growth that others don't see. I'm sorry, but it is not in my nature to give up on people, even though sometimes I still come back to the wondering of whether I should or not.

My other friend and I have become so much closer since she began teaching with me in my classroom last year. It is hard to believe that a practical stranger who happened to be my co-worker has become such a dear friend to my entire family. She is dating My RK's best friend as well as has become one of my closest friends as of late. It is a much more equal relationship. We have different advice to offer each other at different times and it feels as though
Falling asleep! Finish later!

Never did go back to finish and not even sure what thought I was trying to go back to. Oh well!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Mom, who were you?

I only know what has been after...what was before? Who were you? What kind of mother were you? What did you think about talk about learn about when you were pregnant? What were you before? And why didn't you try harder to get better rather than to just let it eat you alive? Why do I have to lose because of it? How come I never got to know who you were? I found my way on my own. I'm a damn good mom. Without your input without your help. But I still lose because at the end of the day I'm still fighting it alone with no one to turn to as a resource. No one to meet with, laugh with, take mother daughter ski trips with during school vacations, no one to hit up for advice about how to be a mom to a child who is my walking copy, even if you were magically better now I couldn't have that because you weren't there for that. You were too wrapped in your own reality. I want a mom, not someone I adopt who might feel bad enough for me to let me, I want a real mom. One that holds my history and can relate to me now as an adult, a mother trying to make her way in the world too. But I won't ever have that....not really....and once again, I lose. Because you are now more of a child than I ever was.....I'm the responsible adult, I have had to be for as long as I can remember. I miss what never was....I ache for what will never be....and in the end I'm left feeling as if at the end of the day, no matter how hard I fight, I still lose...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Oh No You Didn't!

Oh crap! Twins! I can't focus my brain is a wreck! I'm sooooo distracted! I should have just taken today off!  It's exciting...but I'm so terrified.  Now what?! TWINS! What do I do with TWINS?! Totally flipping out!  I never even thought that was possible! I mean sure it happens all the time but usually that is with fertility drugs and stuff like that. I am numb from the shock! What the heck?! I didn't think this happened naturally, let alone would happen to little ole' me! And what does this mean for next year? I can't teach and pay for three kids in day care let alone TWO infants! I'm so in shock! My dad is going to freak out!

Update 10/1/12: Ironically, my dad did not freak out nearly as bad as expected, and I am currently back at work at a different school, working for pennies, we got a scholarship offered to us from our kiddos preschool and my Redneck Knight keeps the twins during the day. Crazy times!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Attempting to process

Not sure how to start processing Saturday's session. She is always running late, which you think would bother me, but it doesn't. Gives me time to sorta prepare myself. Sure I joke about paying my copay and leaving, but I don't really mean it. I guess I deflect with humor more than I ever realized. I've always been sarcastic, but have never really taken the time to realize that I have built it into my defense mechanism. When I'm not comfortable with something, rather than allowing myself to sit in it, I find a way to quickly poke fun at myself and move on as fast as I can. It surprises me how naturally it comes out now. But I digress. I like that she is always running late because it gives me some quiet time to prepare. To have alone time in my own bubble. But I mostly don't mind it because it tells me something about her. Money isn't her driving force, the clock doesn't drive her. People do. Sure she is getting paid to listen to me whine bitch and complain, but if money was the most important thing, or sessions would end promptly at 50 min not running on average about 80 min without being charged extra for it. I feel safer because I guess there is a part of it that makes me feel like what I have to say matters, even if it is only myself in the end that it matters to. She laughs at my jokes and gets me to laugh too. They don't come across as those fake type "I'm laughing because I'm paid to help you feel good about yourself." It is either genuine, or she could win an academy award. Hah! Sidetracked again! We touched on some key stuff, not in depth but enough to hit home a little closer than I thought it would. Usually it takes longer for people to figure me out. Normally I can talk about things without it affecting me. We talked about my mom. I wish I could be done with that. I'm over it. Or so I thought. Apparently there is more work to be done...and now that I'm a mother too (I wasn't yet the last time I worked through my feelings towards my mom), I guess I have to face it all again. I'm beginning to see that I'm really good at locking things up in my head/heart and then losing all the keys. I'm afraid of the things I may find when we start opening locked and sealed vaults. I'm afraid of who I really am. I'm afraid of what I may do with this unlocked knowledge. I'm afraid of hurting those I care about. I seem to suddenly be afraid of a lot of things. I hate being afraid and yet I think it is a constant state of being for me. That and stress. We touched that too. I hate being stressed but don't know how not to be. From the time I was an infant I would be overwhelmed by stuff. Apparently I never grew out of it. I hate change and yet get bored and restless being in one place too long. ADHD much anyone?! She asked me what I do when things get to be too much. Do I have a happy place I think of in my head. Took me a minute to realize, nope. I have no specific memory/location that I have locked onto as my happy place. It is hard to find an isolated memory where I was happy and truly relaxed with no agenda in the world. I think I need one. But how do you find one?  I still have skeletons in my closet I'm not ready to tell her yet. Things I'm not ready to investigate further. Some old things, some new things. And I haven't told her yet I think I could be pregnant. That will be a while other ton of stuff to wade through. I know therapy is good for me. But it is hard. I don't know how to explain it better than that. And no one that hasn't ever truly been in therapy for an extended period of time (i.e. Not just there to work out a specific issue and then done and over with) can truly understand quite what I mean. It isn't physical exhaustion, but more an emotional one. The processing doesn't end when the session does. Some of the big work comes after the fact. In high school I hid after my sessions to give me time to process. Sometimes for many hours. As an adult, not only is the mental work harder, but I don't have that same ability to disappear. Responsibilities. Real world living. Haven't figured out why the work is harder as an adult, maybe before I didn't have the needed life experiences to truly process my childhood events and how they still rear their ugly head from time to time and mess with the here and now....I'm more now...sleep...maybe more later...