Trying something new. Came across a blogger that does a Writing workshop every week and felt like trying it out. If you want to check it out for yourself here is where you can find her: Mama's Losin' it!
One of last week's prompts is the write a blog post inspired by the word: Leaves
Here goes nothing! Although what type of leaves wasn't clarified so leave it to me to go with the less obvious theme.
Everyone always leaves. It is something I have come to accept in my life. No matter what, no matter how good I am, it never lasts. It started with my mom back when I was six. Although sometimes I wonder if mentally she left me long before that. Then my grandma at 9. Every older female role model in my life has been tolerant at first but always leaves in the end because they can not handle the intensity of what is, well, me. My friends seem to always be like that too. Something always happens and they say enough and walk away. Not just the "We grew apart" kinda thing, that is expected over the years. No, I'm talking about the, "Please don't ever talk to me again" kind.
Because of this I have grown up assuming that eventually everyone will leave me because I am just not good enough to keep around. So I've reached a point in my life that I can't keep making myself vulnerable to others because in the end it is me that is left abandoned like I never meant anything to them at all. Which leaves me to wonder, are they right? The common denominator is me. What is so terrible about me?
It is amazing how fast that core belief and fear can mess with the relationships you currently still have for the moment. I have become a jealous person of everyone other than myself. Let me tell you, that is like marriage suicide. I came head to head with this recently. Let me explain.
My husband gets along well with people. He may be a hermit by choice, but people like him. He used to have a lot of friends that were female. He tells me that the reason they all liked him was because he was helpful and supportive without having an additional agenda for them. I have always been jealous of this but it hasn't really mattered until recently. One of his old friends looked him up. Facebook is a wonderful thing....sometimes. I spooked. Because, after all, why would he not leave me, it's become my life, everyone leaves. I had fears of him walking off and leaving me and our four kids and falling for her and living happily ever after without me. Drove me insane! I spent a week having all kinds of issues! Now back up a moment with me. This has nothing to do with trusting my husband or not. It has everything to do with the fact that if I were to write and autobiography I could totally call it, "Everybody leaves" and it would be quite fitting! I have such a crappy view of myself that it doesn't matter what anyone says, I'm convinced that eventually they will give up on me and walk away.
So after tormenting myself for like a week I finally carve out some time for him and I to chat without the four vamps that are totally taking their job seriously and sucking the energy out of us double triple and now quadruple fold! I break down and tell him everything, and as kind of expected he gets kind of irritated. But who wouldn't right? I mean come on, really? He married me and we have four kids! He isn't going anywhere! But still, being me, I needed the reassurance. And after a bit of an awkward conversation, basically the crazy wife jealous over, well, literally nothing. At the end of the night here is what I came away with.
I may be jealous of others, and people may indeed leave. But the relationship that matters the most in my life. That of my husband and our marriage. At the end of the day, he picked me. He chose me. He wanted me. And there is nothing I could do that would change that. I even said as much.
"You picked me."
Everybody leaves....or do they?