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Tuesday, July 5, 2016

And then they wonder...

     I always get asked, "Why don't you talk to me?"  Well, to be quite blunt, I don't talk because I get tired of talking to myself.  Or being judged when I do finally speak up about what is really going on inside.  You want me to talk to you, but when I finally let you in enough and do, you tell me I'm just finding excuses to be lazy, or worse, you blow me off completely as if I haven't said a word.  So I just stop fighting the current.  It's not like I quit at life or anything, but I stop sharing my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and opinions.  Why should I continue to share them if no one really means it when they say they want me to talk to them anyway?  Could it all be in my head? Likely not exclusively, although I'm sure I'm also hypersensitive to being blown off after all of these years of this cyclical pattern that goes on and on and on and ON.  
     It is no secret that my opinion of myself is likely lower than ANYONE else's opinion of me will ever be.  That is a given when you are talking about someone that struggles with such issues of self-esteem the way I do, but please don't misinterpret that for trying to seek attention or trying to throw a pity party for myself.  It is quite the opposite.  Unfortunately, it is simply that I do in fact have an opinion of myself that is just that LOW.
     I don't like being the center of attention.  I hate when things happen to me that cause people to look my way.  That being said, it is no big surprise that my body becomes wracked with anxiety at just the thought of going anywhere alone with my many children and service animal.  Circus side show waiting to happen!  It is usually better when there is another adult with me.  Why, you ask? Not a damn clue, but it usually is.  Unless, of course, they themselves are causing a bigger scene than we would make all on our own.  
     I won't fight for your attention.  I won't try to make you see that I have value.  I will do my absolute best to blend in to the woodworking and melt into the wall. Why don't I talk to you?  Because you aren't safe.  Why don't I talk to you? Because you are so quick to judge that you don't ever really understand my struggles and where I might be coming from.  Why don't I talk to you? Because you aren't listening...hearing what I say isn't have to be willing to LISTEN...and maybe bring some wine to loosen my tongue.

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